I picked up a young couple from Circus Circus and was taking them to the Vegas Airport. The young woman pointed to a billboard and asked me

“Does that mean that Celine Dion has breast implants?”

I asked her what she was talking about and she pointed again at the billboard that read

“Jet Nightclub - Silicone or Saline?”

I started to laugh. She asked me why it was funny. I told her it was a private joke that people in Vegas only knew and one that we don’t tell visitors.

A friend picked up a fare at the airport late at night.  The man got into the cab with his carry-on luggage and gave a local address 20 minutes from the Vegas strip.  As the driver drove to the location, his fare feel asleep in the back seat.

Upon arriving at the address, the man got out of the cab and said “This isn’t my house!”.  My friend knew he had the right house on the right street, but he went to his mapbook to search if there was another street with the same name somewhere else in the Valley.  As his fare stood outside the cab, the guy turned around, facing the Vegas Strip and proclaimed “Wait, this isn’t Phoenix!”

Price of having that last drinkon a flight that ended up being the one you shouldn’t have had - $62.80 (for the fare)

P.S. I wonder if he got to Phoenix that night?

To the people coming to Vegas on a package deal: there is NO $2.99 buffet…anywhere!

To the travel channel: take the programs off the air of the great meal deals at vegas casinos that have been demolished five years ago!

To the foreign visitors: Tipping is NOT a city in China! Service people in Vegas make most of their money from tips. It isn’t figured into the bill! T.I.P.S. means To Insure Pleasant Service To the French — Nevermind!

Inside Cab Driver Joke: how do you find the 215 loop wen you leave the airport? Answer: Follow the Ethiopian cab driver!

To the freaks that got into my cab and wanted to go to the casino across the street. On arrival, the meter was $4.80 and you tossed me $5 and told me to keep the change. You left your blackberry in my cab and I turned it in to the company. After 30 days I got it back and sold it on ebay for $80. Thanks for the tip!!

To the head line comedian I took to the Rio that was asking me all those questions: The number 1 question people ask me isn’t “Why are we out in the middle of the desert, and what are you going to do with that shovel”

To the people that ask “Where do you people in Vegas live?”: They don’t actually live in sub-basements underneath the casinos.

To the people that ask me “Where do you live?”: I really don’t fly in from LA everyday to drive a cab.

To all you French people: “Merde”

I picked up this guy recently who had been having one hell of a time judging by his breath and facial expression as he entered my cab from an evening of lap dances at Treasure’s Gentleman’s Club here in Vegas.

He got a phone call on his cell phone from what sounded like his wife.

“No, honey, i’ve been here at the hotel all day”
“Yes, honey, I know you tried to call me but I think there is something wrong with the hotel room phone”
“I swear honey, i’ve been here and didn’t go to any clubs sweetie”

I did everything i could to keep from laughing and honking my horn. This sort of thing happens all the time. Ladies, if you are trying to reach your husband, who happens to be staying in a hotel in Vegas, and you can’t reach him? I have to tell you that the odds are (and i’m a betting man) that he is at a club. Hotel phones don’t “break” very often. LOL

11:30 at night on a Tuesday and I picked up two brothers at the McCarran airport. This was their first time in Vegas and their parents paid for a nice long trip to Vegas. Wednesday was their 21st birthday. They were so excited about their trip and started talking about the great time they were about to have.

I interrupted their conversation and asked if they knew they had flown into Vegas during the Nevada elections. They said they didn’t know.I told them that no alcohol or gambling was allowed during the two day period of the elections, the first of the two days being the day after they had flown in to Vegas.

I proceeded to explain that the sale of all alcohol in Vegas stopped at midnight and there was no way I could make it to a store to so they could buy alcohol in time. “Tough break!” I told them and proceeded to take them to the Mandalay Bay Casino.

When I pulled up to the casino in my cab I got out and removed the boys’ luggage from the trunk. I could tell they were heartbroken. LOL. Poor guys. I waited till they paid me and wished them a happy birthday. As I got back in my cab I started laughing. I didn’t tell them I was just kidding. I’m sure they figured it out when they stepped foot in the casino.

We cabbies have good fun sometimes!!!

No reason for posting this other than I saw it the other day and think it’s funny as hell. Poor Jean-Claude. Reminds of the time when he rode down to Wynn Casino. That’s a story for another day.

It was a Saturday night and I was on the nut at Caesar’s Palace. Four attractive young ladies got into my cab after partying at Pure NightClub. They were dressed in their best club dresses. They were three sheets to the wind.

Three got into the back and Tina, the cutest of the group, got into the front seat. Gina let out a huge fart and the girls started laughing. I laughed too. A few seconds later a smell that would gag a buzzard off a gut wagon engulfed the cab.

All the windows were rolled down and as they wiped the tears from their eyes, the girls made fun of Gina. I told her if she did it again I would be forced to pull over and let her out on the side of the busy street. I looked super serious.

We arrived at the Mandalay Bay casino and the ladies got out still holding their noses, paid and went into the casino. I could hear giggles as they walked in. Poor Gina. They were making such fun of her.

Oh Gina, it was me. Hee hee! Don’t fart in a vegas cab with a cabbie over 50. We always have gas. LOL Poor Gina!

It was a busy Friday night on the Vegas Strip. I picked up these two young guys from Iowa from the New York New York casino. They had a couple of local women with them. They were going to the Hilton and on the way I overheard them talking about how they just picked up these two woman at a bar

When we arrived at the Hilton and as I was being paid, I pulled the guys over, away from the ladies, and whispered something into their ears. The expression on their faces was classic. They tipped me and walked over to the women who were waiting near the cab. I didn’t hear everything they were saying, but I did hear one of the guys utter the word “shemale”. A heated argument and a near fight ensued.

Yeap guys, they were shemales. The kicker was I had to explain to the guys what a shemale was. It pays to tip your taxi driver. This story reminds me the movie Anger Management. Watch the video below.

1. If you want to drink a beer on the Vegas strip, this is legal
2. If you want to drink a bear in a cab or limo, this is NOT legal!
3. Nevada seat belt law is anyone 6 years or older is required to wear a seat belt. You generally won’t find signs in a cab telling you this is law.
4. Nevada child restraint law requires a child who is less than 6 years old or under 60 pounds to be in a child restraint. Vegas cab drivers are not responsible for making sure children are legally secured.

To all the older ladies that have asked me about the new construction on the vegas strip: it really isn’t the Ronald McDonald hotel and casino. They aren’t going to have golden arches that are the elevator system taking you to your floor. The doorman isn’t going to be dressed like Ronald McDonald. The dealers aren’t going to be dressed like the Hamburglar, and the $100 chips aren’t going to be shapped like chicken McNuggets.

And you really don’t get a Happy Meal whenever you get a blackjack.

P.S. Don’t feel bad ladies…90% of people I tell this to believe it. Heh!