It was 3am on a saturday morning, and as the doorman at Bally’s loaded the drunk in the front seat of my cab I took off.  I asked the man where too, and he replyed Sam’s Town.  I started too Sam’s town which is 6 miles from the strip, and hoped the drunk would just sleep.  No such luck!  As we drove to the casino, the drunk noticed my Taxi licence posted on the dash.  It lists your name, licence number and height and weight.  The drunk started to laugh and said 511 lbs.  you don’t look a pound over 400.  As my height is 5′ 11″ and I weight 240 lbs. this pissed me off.  The sound of the drunk laughing stopped and a faint sound of ( how will I get to Sam’s Town from here) was heard as I drove off and left the drunk in the parking lot of the closed grocery store.

I picked up a man at the Wynn and was taking him to the Luxor. As we were driving to his destination, he noticed my taxi cab license and my name on it.

My last name is a German name. The Frenchman then said “there are many people with that last name in the north eastern area of France”.

I told him again that it was a German name. I knew there were people in this area with the same last name as myself, as France kept a part of Germany after WWII.

The arrogant man again asked “are you sure you aren’t French” to which I replied again that it was a German name, but added that my father was in Paris during WWII and he was in the Ninth Panzer division.

The smile faded from the brie eaters’ face. As we pulled into the Luxor, I said “my father said the women in Paris were really friendly”.

He tossed the money in the front seat, clearly he was fuming with anger as he exited the cab.

Fare to the Luxor - $10.40

Pissing off the frog - Priceless

Guys…you must now be told the bitter truth. The girls you find in strip clubs don’t really find you intersting, and haven’t made a connection with you. They aren’t hanging on your every word.

You are paying for their affection! There…I said it! HEH!

They have told you the time they get off work to keep you at the strip club. When they get off work…they wont be leaving with you, they will be leaving via the back door to the club….and a good percentage will be leaving with their girlfriends. LOL

Just so you know!

Best meal values in Vegas are found on Freemont St. They are kept low to get people to come to downtown Vegas.

Best meal values near the Vegas Strip are found at the Gold Coast Casino, Ellis Island Casino and Terribles Casino.

Best new performer is Terry Fator who can be seen at the Hilton.

Best new show is Jersey Boys at the Palazzo Hotel Casino.

If you like weird and are looking for a great value, see the Amazing Jonathan at the Harmon Theater in the Planet Hollywood.

……………………………

A question people ask me all the time is

“What’s your favorite place on the Vegas strip?”

My answer is the Happi Inn. The man who owns that piece of property walks outside everyday and says “$25 million an acre? Nah, I’ll wait till it hits at least $30 million an acre before I sell.”

…………………………….

People ask me all the time

“How can I win at the casino?”

The only sure way to win big in a casino is to get injured in one. (relax…i’m just kidding)

We love our California people.. They come to Vegas every weekend and spend their money.

But the state just passed a law saying that if you drive into Veas on the I-15 from California that you must park your car at the city limits and take public transportation into the strip.

This was enacted because they just don’t have enough police to write all the tickets for:

1.left turns from the righ lane

2. backing up on the strip

3. Stopping to watch the water shows at the casinos

4. going the wrong way down a casino drivway.

5. stopping to hug a tree.

But there is good news for our California drivers. If you want to driver into Vegas and stay out of the vegas strip, you can now park in handicap parking as all california plated cars are considered handicaped drivers. lol

I picked up a young couple from Circus Circus and was taking them to the Vegas Airport. The young woman pointed to a billboard and asked me

“Does that mean that Celine Dion has breast implants?”

I asked her what she was talking about and she pointed again at the billboard that read

“Jet Nightclub - Silicone or Saline?”

I started to laugh. She asked me why it was funny. I told her it was a private joke that people in Vegas only knew and one that we don’t tell visitors.

A friend picked up a fare at the airport late at night.  The man got into the cab with his carry-on luggage and gave a local address 20 minutes from the Vegas strip.  As the driver drove to the location, his fare feel asleep in the back seat.

Upon arriving at the address, the man got out of the cab and said “This isn’t my house!”.  My friend knew he had the right house on the right street, but he went to his mapbook to search if there was another street with the same name somewhere else in the Valley.  As his fare stood outside the cab, the guy turned around, facing the Vegas Strip and proclaimed “Wait, this isn’t Phoenix!”

Price of having that last drinkon a flight that ended up being the one you shouldn’t have had - $62.80 (for the fare)

P.S. I wonder if he got to Phoenix that night?

To the people coming to Vegas on a package deal: there is NO $2.99 buffet…anywhere!

To the travel channel: take the programs off the air of the great meal deals at vegas casinos that have been demolished five years ago!

To the foreign visitors: Tipping is NOT a city in China! Service people in Vegas make most of their money from tips. It isn’t figured into the bill! T.I.P.S. means To Insure Pleasant Service To the French — Nevermind!

Inside Cab Driver Joke: Do you find the 215 loop wen you leave the airport? Answer: Follow the Ethiopian cab driver!

To the freaks that got into my cab and wanted to go to the casino across the street. On arrival, the meter was $4.80 and you tossed me $5 and told me to keep the change. You left your blackberry in my cab and I turned it in to the company. After 30 days I got it back and sold it on ebay for $80. Thanks for the tip!!

To the head line comedian I took to the Rio that was asking me all those questions: The number 1 question people ask me isn’t “Why are we out in the middle of the desert, and what are you going to do with that shovel”

To the people that ask “Where do you people in Vegas live?”: They don’t actually live in sub-basements underneath the casinos.

To the people that ask me “Where do you live?”: I really don’t fly in from LA everyday to drive a cab.

To all you French people: “Merde”

I picked up this guy recently who had been having one hell of a time judging by his breath and facial expression as he entered my cab from an evening of lap dances at Treasure’s Gentleman’s Club here in Vegas.

He got a phone call on his cell phone from what sounded like his wife.

“No, honey, i’ve been here at the hotel all day”
“Yes, honey, I know you tried to call me but I think there is something wrong with the hotel room phone”
“I swear honey, i’ve been here and didn’t go to any clubs sweetie”

I did everything i could to keep from laughing and honking my horn. This sort of thing happens all the time. Ladies, if you are trying to reach your husband, who happens to be staying in a hotel in Vegas, and you can’t reach him? I have to tell you that the odds are (and i’m a betting man) that he is at a club. Hotel phones don’t “break” very often. LOL

11:30 at night on a Tuesday and I picked up two brothers at the McCarran airport. This was their first time in Vegas and their parents paid for a nice long trip to Vegas. Wednesday was their 21st birthday. They were so excited about their trip and started talking about the great time they were about to have.

I interrupted their conversation and asked if they knew they had flown into Vegas during the Nevada elections. They said they didn’t know.I told them that no alcohol or gambling was allowed during the two day period of the elections, the first of the two days being the day after they had flown in to Vegas.

I proceeded to explain that the sale of all alcohol in Vegas stopped at midnight and there was no way I could make it to a store to so they could buy alcohol in time. “Tough break!” I told them and proceeded to take them to the Mandalay Bay Casino.

When I pulled up to the casino in my cab I got out and removed the boys’ luggage from the trunk. I could tell they were heartbroken. LOL. Poor guys. I waited till they paid me and wished them a happy birthday. As I got back in my cab I started laughing. I didn’t tell them I was just kidding. I’m sure they figured it out when they stepped foot in the casino.

We cabbies have good fun sometimes!!!

No reason for posting this other than I saw it the other day and think it’s funny as hell. Poor Jean-Claude. Reminds of the time when he rode down to Wynn Casino. That’s a story for another day.